Sunday, November 11

Washing instructions

By now, everyone who purchased a knitted or sewn "Monkee product" should have received some hastily cobbled together washing instructions, for keeping said monkee stuff in tip-top condition.



I started thinking that I'd better lead by example and give one of the monkees here a good washing. After all, 007 was beginning to look a tad grubby ......






So. for the sake of scientific research only, I conned 007 into meeting me in the laundry cupboard ......


007 was amazed and agog by the mountain of dirty laundry he saw before him. I explained that that's what happens when monkee production goes into overdrive. He didn't believe me and suggested that it always looks like that. Know-all.



He contemplated the washing machine ......



....... are you sure that's the beer cooler??




Ok, so I told a teeny tiny white lie. It was for his own good.

It looks very dark in there, he said, concern seeping out of every knitted pore.
All the better for keeping the beer at an ambient temperature, I lied soothed






I can't see it .....

It's right at the back ......












There's no beer in here, is there?

No, 007, there isn't. Now just lie back and think of England.





And then I slammed the door in this face. I could see him mouthing something at me .....


....... it wasn't polite but it went something like this ...... Did I do something to upset you in a previous life? Was I a horrible hand-knit jumper, all itchy with a too tight neck that your mother made you wear?? *



I ignored what he said. Although a slight twitch did develop under my left eye.




Let the wash-cycle commence ......







Forty short minutes later and 007 was cooked ...... I mean washed ......


I'm a knitted monkee ...... get me out of here**





Strangely, 007 was a tad dizzy when he got out ......



Which way is up?




But soon recovered, and was left to dry on top of the boiler .......


...... ummm ...... how long do I have to stay up here? Don't forget it's Strictly Come Dancing at 6 o'clock. AND WHERE'S MY BEER??






And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. One clean monkee, using the only wash programme I ever use (cold and quick). I think I'll leave "Tips on how to iron your monkee" until next time.




* my mother only ever made me wear gorgeous un-itchy hand-knits with very loose necks


** I'm a Celebritiy ... Get me out of here, back on UK screens at 9 pm on monday, for all you reality TV junkies. Obviously I shan't be watching ......


23 comments:

trashalou said...

'Obviously' you won't be watching 'IAC-GMOOH', your television is under the control of a CLEAN and slightly merry monkey.

So it is nothing but a strict diet of 'Strictly Come Dancing' and the weekday programme with Claudia Winkeyman;-)for you Monkey Lady!!!!

lucykate crafts... said...

poor monkey!, next time can he have a candlelit bubble bath instead : )

Patti said...

Aah! So that's what that white box thing in the corner of the kitchen is for. I did wonder.

thank you for clearing that up.

Lucy Locket-Pocket said...

Poor old 007! But boy did I laugh! Just don't tell him that! Lucy x

Nia said...

I'm so glad that 007 made it out the other end! Obviously, I won't be exposing B-P to such horrific cruelty... x

Kae said...

A very brave monkee, your 007!!! I admire his sense for adventure and his dedication to scientific research.... :D (Hope he got more than just one beer after that horrific experience... 40 minutes of going round and round... just typing that makes me dizzy).

Tomorrow night... 9 o'clock... oh yes!!! Munkee and I shall be watching ... :D :D

~x~

lauren said...

when they do the all-knitted-monkee version, (...& it's just a matter of time, i suspect...) even i would be willing to watch "i'm a celeb..."! i *might* even be convinced to try a knitted-monkee version of big brother, for that matter. (tho i suspect that a housemate who tricked another housemate into being machine-washed would either be voted off in the first week...or unanimously declared the winner!) :)

Jane said...

Hahahah, poor 007, he needs something stronger than beer after that trip into the washing machine! he won't fall for the beer cooler in the laundry cupboard trick again! well done Monkey Maker. Hahaha.

Kaz said...

I think it must be the fact that I have a new monkey that I haven't managed to spill my dinner on yet, but I felt reallllly bad for poor 007! It's either that or all my sanity has finally left me.

Relieved to see he's ok though (I know for a fact mine would fall apart in the machine).

Samantha said...

Glad to see 007 survived the washing machine! Did you spin him, too?

My Paper World said...

Poor 007! but he looks happy enough with his beer, after his ordeal!

My Paper World said...

Oh no! unfortunately Im not too young for that reference!
Actually I just bought Pretty in Pink for a trip down memory lane! since it was a bargin price of about £3!
Rather gorgeous fiance is not too keen to watch it! However I did manage to get him to watch Dirty Dancing the other night, so I will let him off this time and watch it when he is out!

the vicious chicken said...

Oh my... please tell me you didn't?? It seems so cruel... but at least you didn't use the boil wash. Small mercies, 007.
VCx

monda-loves said...

OMG! poor 007
He does look relatively unscathed though and he probably smells really nice, so perhaps he will attract a lady monkee companion now (well you never know, sometimes a bath is all it takes!)

Re, I'm a celebrity, the best thing about it is the lovely and v. funny Ant and Dec, well actually just Dec (who strangely seems to turn up in my dreams very often!)

Monda
x

Lesley said...

Poor 007! Were you just a tiny bit worried about how it might turn out?
Thought for a minute you'd broken in to our house to photograph our laundry.
Ruby and I will be watching 'Celebrity' too - looks like ZZZ list types this time!!

Di said...

I'm glad 007 survived! I used to love watching my bears going round in the machine when I was a child!! They always got hung out to dry on the line afterwards!!

Denise said...

awwwww, I did feel sorry for poor 007, but was happy when I saw him with his beer :-) Hopefully he's all dry now too.

Studio Christine said...

MEAN monkee maker.......

007 should have gone on a TOP SECRET mission (into a pillowcase) and thence into the dryer.

...I was all the dear kids toys that way.....less pilling.

....oh, and I DID get my monkee sock, thank you!!!

dd (18) thinks I am nuts.....

Suzie Sews said...

Whats the number for the RSPCA?
You naughty Monkee Maker you!!!
Amazing what a cold beer can do to clear the memory!!!

Melissa said...

I'm glad 007 went before us on this one. I was wondering what to do about washing, as the SO tends to dribble a lot, still and drags things around by their stuffed feet (don't tell HP14 or 4).

Rubyred said...

It could've been worse,heated up in a tumble dryer or,like in the old days gulp..through a mangle!

Katy said...

He looks even more beautiful than before, and now he smells sweet those lady monkeys won't be able to resist!

April said...

Unfortunately this post is totally irrelevant to me as I have NO MONKEE. I hope tomorrow's post is more in sync with the things that I do have.

Dark chocolate
Red wine
A stinky litterbox